I am now going to go on a rant about Twitter clients – mobile Twitter clients in particular (though some desktop clients are rant-worthy as well). I am going to do this because I can’t understand why they are such a pain in the ass and work so badly, when they could so easily work so well.
Okay, first, don’t get me wrong. I really like Twitter. (If you want, you can follow me, I’m @nickhodges -- no surprise in that handle, eh?) I like it because it’s a great place to keep up on news, find interesting articles, read funny stuff, and to post your thoughts in short, pithy statements of 140 characters or less. It’s also a great time killer. If you are waiting at the doctors office, it’s a much better way to pass the wait than looking at a two and a half year old copy of People Magazine. It’s interesting, fun, never the same thing twice, and frankly, I’m a little addicted. I do almost all of my twitter reading on my phone or on my wonderful Amazon Kindle .
But yet reading Twitter on my mobile devices drives. me. crazy. When it comes to mobile Twitter clients, I’m not addicted -- I’m inflamed with a rage that burns like the heat of a thousand suns.
I’ve tried just about every one out there. They all drive me insane. And so here is my rant:
- A twitter client should never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, for any reason, at any time, ever, ever, EVER move my “cursor”. EVER. And by “cursor” I mean my location in my Twitter stream. I determine where my cursor goes, not you, you blasted twitter client that thinks you can just show me whatever you want when you want to. If I am reading Twitter on my phone, leave off on a funny Pauly Peligroso post, go away to another app, and then I come back, you darn well better have my twitter client looking right at that same stinking Pauly Peligroso post when I come back. I don’t care if I’ve been gone for five minutes, five hours or five years, you flipping better have your cursor right there where I Ieft it. Not anywhere else. Where. I. left. it. Leave a gap if you have to. I don’t care, just leave it. Don’t try to do me a favor and “catch me up”. If I need catching up, I’ll get myself caught up. Give me an option to get caught up, fine. But for the love of Adam Sandler, DON’T MOVE MY POSITION IN MY TWITTER STREAM. Ever, ever, ever, never, ever, ever.
- Second, if you tell me that there are “143 new tweets”, and I say “Great, some new tweets”, put me at the freaking START of the 143 new tweets, not at the current time!!!! Why in the name of sweet baby Dick Van Dyke would I ever, ever, ever what to start at the most recent tweet out of those 143 new tweets? Why would you tell me that there are 143 new tweets and then start me out at the point where there are zero new tweets? Why do I open up the fracking client and see some tweet from three seconds ago, when I want to read the 143 new tweets? Why do I have to manually scroll down and try to figure out where the new tweets start? What is that, some kind of sick, twisted joke? Really? I have to scroll? Seriously? I mean this is basically a variation of the “Never move my cursor spot”, but come on, this is ridiculous.
- Third – stop trying to shorten my shortened URL’s. I’m smart – I can shorten my URL’s myself. It’s nice you want to do that for me, but at least let me opt out of it. Nothing says “wasted time and resources” as a link that is a Twitter shortened version of a bit.ly link that started out as a tinyurl.com link. I mean, come on, I can keep my twitter posts under 140 characters myself. I don’t want your help. I don’t need your help. Stop it.
Bottom line: Mobile twitter clients stink and they make me want to bash public monuments with a sledgehammer. (I’d never do that, really, but I want to when I go back from checking my mail and the stupid TweetCaster moves me to a tweet that was posted 23 seconds ago.)
Phew, okay, I feel better now.